to Happiness ~
I'm not sure what I did
but lets make amends.
to Anger ~
shove off.
to Grief ~
you can shove off as well.
I'm not going to listen when you cry.
to Freedom ~
if you don't exist,
please stop pretending to.
to Love ~
are you hiding, or do I not want to find you?
I had a memorable Mother’s Day weekend which extended to Monday. It started with a last minute decision to visit Nanay (my mother-in-law) at her home in Olongapo over 150km away. The Beloved decided over lunch on Saturday to see her so he can personally wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. We finished packing an hour after lunch and left.
I’ve mentioned before that Nanay has vascular dementia. She lives in her home with 2 caregivers, my stepdaughter and grandson. They watch over her and keep her company. We don’t get to see her as often as we want to. Each visit breaks my Beloved’s heart. He remembers how she used to be and deeply misses the Nanay he remembers. This is why we don’t get to visit Nanay so often.
The road trip was largely uneventful, save for the glorious sun and afternoon clouds. We passed through a rain-shower and were gifted with a rainbow which enthralled the children. We picked up a lovely cake before heading to Nanay’s and arrived just as the sun was beginning to set.
The gate to Nanay’s home is usually closed but not locked. The neighborhood is friendly; it’s that kind of place where everyone knows everybody else. So we were surprised to see that the gate had been padlocked. We saw Nanay through the fence, moving around within the premises, but she didn’t recognize us at first. Or maybe she did. She was friendly enough to talk to us over the fence afterwards while we waited for the gate to be opened. But with Nanay you weren’t sure. She is such a nice and gentle person. She’ll talk to anyone.
When we came in Nanay asked me (pointing to my Beloved), “Who is that?”
I told her, “He’s your son. It’s (Beloved’s name), your son.”
It took a few moments for his name to register in her mind while she studied his face.
Then she finally said, “Ah, yes, it is him”.
I’m always surprised whenever we visit Nanay because she seems to remember me better than she remembers him. Or maybe it’s because she’s being polite and didn’t want to ask him who he was and risk offending him. Dementia truly is a strange disease.
Had some cake before I remembered to take a picture of it
My stepdaughter explained the mystery of the padlock to her father as I chatted with Nanay. I overheard bits and pieces of it. Later I learned from her that the gate was now locked to keep Nanay from wandering off. There were never any problems of this sort before. She knew the neighborhood well and could always find her way home when she left the house.
It turned out that lately Nanay had wanted to leave her house, the house Tatay (my deceased father-in-law) built for her more than 30 years ago, claiming it was not hers. Nanay said that she lived in another house along the street. Nanay is a small but strong woman and she can “out-walk” her caregivers anytime. But she was also predictable, once out of the gate she always went to her best friend’s house down the street. Everyone basically knew where she was if she happened to “disappear” from sight. This time it was different. When she left at noon one hot summer day two weeks ago, she adamantly refused to return to her own house when the caregivers asked her to. This happened several times.
Did I also mention Nanay was strong? She can knock the wind out of the care-givers and she has done it in the past. It’s so out of character for her. But she does it when she feels that she’s being controlled or when she doesn’t get her own way.
To avoid a nasty scenario and possible harm (to Nanay and themselves), Nanay’s companions resorted to locking the gate. Surprisingly, Nanay didn’t show any resentment or annoyance, or even anger, at being confined to her property. They worried it would. She just continued her walks in her front and backyard.
As I listened to this, my heart wept. Nanay has been an independent woman all through-out her adult life. She is a self-made woman who had succeeded at achieving her goal of having her own home through sheer hard work, determination and guts, without the benefit of basic formal education.
I wept for the loss of freedom, the loss of her identity and for the future that she will never know as she lives in her own world. I wept for my own Beloved’s loss, as he watched his mother moving around in her own world, not able to enjoy his own achievements and get to know our children.
When we returned to Manila to vote in the elections, I couldn’t help thinking about Nanay and the word “independence”. As a country, do we really know what “independence” means? As a person I saw how independence was slowly taken away from Nanay by the unseen hand of dementia…
Days before the elections I had been hearing left and right how people wanted to “abstain” from voting because it was useless, pointless, a waste of time, it wouldn’t make a difference and so on. I admit that I used to think that way, too and missed many chances to do my duty and to help influence change in my society. After my children were born, I started to think differently about the elections and realized that the single vote I cast is enough…
De Castro Elementary School Voting Precinct
On Election Day Monday, I watched citizens who were around or older than Nanay’s age climb 3 to 4 flights of stairs just to be able to vote, all without uttering a single word of complaint. I watched them brave the jostling crowds to find out which cluster and room number they were listed in so they know where to go. I thought of Nanay and how she lost her independence when dementia took over her life. How everyday she will continue to lose a little more until the unthinkable is finally upon her.
The “abstainers” came to mind afterwards and I remember thinking to myself how many votes are gone because these people have lost hope in the system that gave us this independence, one that the older generations worked so hard to restore. And I remembered a precious old lady who had her own independence taken away from her by something she couldn’t control.
This post is my entry to the “Blogging through the Alphabet” link-up hosted by Marcy Crabtree at www.benandme.com. This week’s letter is “I” for “Independence.”
…a Thinking.Out.Loud post…
This morning I finished reading Deuteronomy – the last of the first 5 books of the Bible. As I was nearing the end of Deuteronomy, it dawned on me how little I knew of God – the God of the Bible. I took Theology classes a long time ago but they didn’t reveal to me the God I read about. Of course, that was a different me back then…
I noted many things in my reading but 2 points stood out…
Point # 1 was about the “things revealed”….
The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law. (Deuteronomy 29:29)
There are things in this life that we will never know and understand, things that only God knows, like:
Why is there suffering (especially for the young innocent children?)
Why was I born into the life and family I grew up in?
Why did all those things in the past happen to me?
Why (exactly) did God choose me to be part of his family?
Why, why, why?
These are the “secret things” that belong to the LORD our God. I realized I will drive myself nuts trying to find the answers to these questions that have not been revealed to me.
“But the things revealed belong to us…forever” – provides me with comfort and assurance that what I do know now about God through the Word, about Jesus and eternity, now belong to me forever. It cannot be taken from me. And there’s the added comfort that it also belongs to my children…
“…that we may follow all the words of this law.” Granted some of the laws pertaining to sheep, goats and grains no longer apply. Rather they are symbolic and foretell of the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus gave on the Cross for me. But the one thing that leapt out of practically every chapter in Deuteronomy was the command to love the LORD your God with all that I am (heart, mind and soul).
I always thought that last command was only in the Ten Commandments. When I read Leviticus and Numbers there wasn’t much mention of this “love thing”. But as I read Deuteronomy I could just feel myself being humbled and challenged. God doesn’t want just the sacrifices and offerings, God wants me to love him with all my heart – this is to be the motive for all that I do. How easy should that be, right? Wrong. It is the hardest thing to do. The Israelites failed miserably at it, as the Bible shows. And I know I have, too.
And point # 2 was – Choose Life….
(Deuteronomy 30:15-16) See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live…
(Deuteronomy 30: 17 – 18) But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed…
(Deuteronomy 30:19b-20a) …Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life…
I was emotional as I wound up my reading. How sad I felt that I hadn’t known God earlier, much earlier in my life. How I wished that I had been able to at least attend Sunday School, the way my children are doing now, to learn about God and Jesus from people who actually do “know” them. How I wished that someone had taught me to read the Bible when I was younger so I may know about God and learn to “fear” (read: respect) the Lord, the way I’m teaching my children now. How I wish that I could have chosen the life that is promised in Deuteronomy and the New Testament if only I had known about it much earlier…
But, sad as those regrets and longings are, they are in the past and the present is what I have. I am so thankful for, and eternally grateful to, the other Jesus followers God has placed in my life – who challenged me to read the Bible, to “know” God in the original sense of the word…
I became a “Christian” 13 years ago but I realized that I didn’t know the God and Jesus of the Bible until I started seriously reading the Word with a desire to know more about them. I used to think reading bits and pieces of the Bible were enough. Having finished the first 5 books, I now have a better understanding of the sacrifice that Jesus made on the Cross. Why it had to be done specifically in the way that it was recorded. And this has made it all the more meaningful for me. The significance of the sacrifice is hard to understand without knowing the Old Testament. As someone who likes to ask “why”, I now know that the New Testament will make better sense to me as I read the backstories found in the Old Testament.
Our church’s theme this year is to Make Him Known. The pastors are continually challenging the church to read and study the Bible, with these questions – If you love God, you should obey Him. How can you obey Him if you don’t know what He wants? How can you know what He wants if you don’t know Him? How else can you know God? And how can you talk about someone (or something) to make them known, if you don’t know squat about them? How can you follow Jesus (of the Bible), if you don’t know him? Reading the Bible – knowing the Word – is at the root of being a “Christian”, a follower, a disciple.
This week in Cee’s Share Your World, there’s a food question……but first…
What is your favorite animal?
Tough one. I like so many animals that I don’t have a favorite. I like cats and dogs for companionship, the Butanding (whale shark), the Philippine eagle and the Tarsier for their beauty. For a stuffed toy or huggables it would be a rabbit or a bear.
English: snorkeling whale shark at Norteast of Cancún Español: nadando con tiburón ballena al noreste de Cancún (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
What is your favorite comfort snack food?
Jack and Jill’s Cheese Piattos (the blue one in the pic below) and Ricoa Flat Tops (milk chocolate)
What subject would you like to study in depth, if given the time to do so?
I would like to study the Bible in the original languages they were written. It’s on my Twenty wishes list and I hope I get to do it someday.
What object do you always have with you when traveling and why?
Betahistine dihydrochloride (Serc) especially if I’m driving. It’s my anti-vertigo medicine.
Come and join Cee’s Share Your World! You can share your answers here in the comments or better yet, create our own blog post and link back to Cee’s. Have fun and thanks for stopping by!
